Showing posts with label MOTHER FUCKIN DOVE BARS. Show all posts
Showing posts with label MOTHER FUCKIN DOVE BARS. Show all posts

Monday, October 22, 2012

GET OUTTA MY CITY, HEATH BELL




Sure, I'm too busy to be blogging all the time these days, but I'll drop in every once in a while, throughout the offseason, if something notable happens. Like, for instance, if the Marlins were to find a willing party to take a certain rotund non-closer off their hands, and still not have to pay a good portion of his salary.
 
Oh, hey, that happened!
 
The Marlins somehow convinced another team to take the world's most annoying human being from them, sending Heath Bell to the Diamondbacks (who, by the way, are totally thrilled about this) in a three-team deal that was more about addition by subtraction than anything else. That they didn't have to pay the majority of his ridiculous salary or staple his contract to a Josh Johnson trade is, for lack of a better expression, fucking awesome.
 
I spent a good amount of time defending Heath Bell this year (most notably, here). Not so much his inability to throw a baseball, but more his plight as a person struggling to come to grips with failure and Father Time. After all, it must be hard to wake up every morning, and not just not be able to do the thing you used to be great at, but also, not have any idea how to fix it.
 
Sympathy only goes so far, though.
 
Human beings fail, and I can accept that. We all should, really. We should rally behind that, even. But, as the year went on, the man shaped like his name did nothing but blame everyone and everything besides himself, and that's when you start to grate on people. Injury last year? I'm down with that. Cancer-stricken father? I understand. (Who wouldn't?) It's Showtime's fault? Um. Manager not supporting you, while all he did was publicly support you? Okay, now you're losing me. Hey, other guys suck, too? I mean, sure, but c'mon now. It was the sea creature race? WTF. You're pregnant?! [Rage.] JUST TAKE SOME FUCKING BLAME, ASSHOLE.  
 
I don't care that he wore one of my t-shirts. I don't care that he held up the line entering the stadium, just so I could take a picture with him. I don't care that there won't be any more MOTHER FUCKIN' DOVE BARS on the blog next year. Eff this guy.
 
Get outta my city, Heath Bell.  (/Zaslow voice)
 
Asshole.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

LET'S ALL CELEBRATE THE FIFTH OF JULY AND—OH HEY LOOK, CARLOS LEE


As has been tradition around here for quite some time¹, Strip Club With Stanton would like to take a moment to celebrate the Fifth of July. You know, the day when you roll out of bed with a massive hangover, completely forgetting that you actually have to go to work. The day when you sit on the toilet and suddenly remember—RUH-ROH!—you ate like 27 hot dogs the day before. Yes, the Fifth of July. Let's all take a moment to celebrate...

Okay, we done? Now, go throw up in the trash bin at your cubicle and pull yourself together for a ten-hour workday. But before you begin doing any actual work, let's get you caught up on what's been going on...

• The Marlins traded for Carlos Lee, signaling the end of the Gaby Sanchez experiment. Shortly thereafter, Gaby Sanchez hit a two-out, game-tying homer in the ninth inning and was rewarded appropriately by Marlins brass. That reward? New Orleans! Say hi to Bryan Petersen for us.

• And how did the Marlins acquire Carlos Lee? Well, say goodbye to Matt Dominguez, who takes his unorthodox style of stopping baseballs with his face to the Houston Astros minor league system. Congratulations, Matt. Everything's bigger in Texas. Facial contusions included.

• Carlos Lee isn't any good. That's what people are saying, anyway. To those people, I'd say this: Um, have you been watching Gaby Sanchez????!?

• Heath Bell blew a save and then was perfectly okay the next night, but everyone's panicking anyway. Listen, I know it's hard to forget the first month of the season, but since May 4th, Heath Bell has been just fine. He's blown a couple of saves and had a few crappy outings since then, but unless your closer's name is Mariano Rivera, that's what you get in Major League Baseball. The difference, of course, is that Heath Bell makes a lot of money and people get disproportionately angry when it's a rich guy doing the failing, as opposed to an inexpensive failure like Chad Gaudin or Ryan Webb. It's a really stupid, simple-minded way of looking at things, but unfortunately them's the breaks.

• Probably the biggest news in the entire galaxy right now, though, is that GIANCARLOCRUZMICHAELSTANTON is hurt and might not be ready for the Home Run Derby and/or All Star Game festivities and also may or may not be out for the year if you believe everything you read on Twitter which you shouldn't but I'm scared anyway. Married men from Missouri should be especially concerned about this news, since GCMS in the HRD meant automatic P in the VaG on Monday night. Get well soon, GIANCARLO. Thousands upon thousands of sexless marriages are counting on you.


¹ This particular tradition started today, when I forgot to post something on the Fourth of July.

Monday, June 25, 2012

THE DAY I OUTED MYSELF TO HEATH BELL


Baseball players are real people. And sometimes we make jokes about those real people. And then sometimes we run into those real people that we made those jokes about in real life situations and have awkward conversations with them.

Yesterday, upon arriving at the gates to Marlins Park, I was greeted by a large, bearded fellow passing out jerseys to kids just before they piled onto the escalator. That bearded man? Heath Bell.

OMGOMGOMG What do I do? Do I keep quiet and pretend I'm just some dude at a baseball game? Do I say hi? Do I make an ice cream joke?

After careful consideration and some poking and prodding by the future Mrs. SCWS, I decided to out myself...

Me: Hey, Heath! You know that ice cream shirt you have? [Points to shirt and makes a circle as if talking to a deaf person.]
Heath: Yeah. [Ed. note: He was totally lying.]
Me: That was me.
Heath: Oh, ok. [Blank stare]
Me: Can I get a picture?
Heath: Sure
Me: Thanks. Pleasure to meet you. [Walks away]
Heath: Who the fuck was that guy?!? [Ed note: He didn't actually say this, but he was definitely thinking it.]

And *that* is the story of the photo you see above...


[Related: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!]

Friday, April 27, 2012

THE ADVENTURES OF STACEY AND LACEY: PART I


Why, yes, Heath Bell, lover of ice cream and blown saves, did throw 45 pitches, walk four batters and blow another save in less than one full inning of work, why do you ask?

Hopefully, this picture of two not terribly unattractive ladies preparing a delicious cake batter will help you forget all about that. Sometimes, when I see a photo, I like to try and create a back-story. It helps add context. 

In this photo, I'd like to imagine that the girl in the foreground (Stacey) was baking this cake to celebrate Heath's 3rd save of the season, but then her roommate (Lacey), who was watching the game in the living room, came running into the kitchen to tell her all about the madness that had just transpired. (You can see the look of shock and disgust on her face.) Lacey's hand then accidentally grazes the side of Stacey's bosom, causing a slight tingle in Stacey's pajama bottoms. After a brief moment of awkwardness, the two young lasses lock lips in a deep, passionate kiss, then retire to the bedroom, where Lacey keeps a small box of various lotions and double-ended dildos.

See, you forgot about the Marlins game for a minute, didn't you?

(photo via this girl's Instagram)

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

HEATH BLEEPING BELL!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!



Yeah. That's exactly what you think it is.

I know! Me, too!

Oh, and this...


Sliding into the mound last year WAS pretty awesome, Heath. Know what else is awesome? You.

Friday, March 2, 2012

YOUR 2012 MIAMI MARLINS STARTING ROTATION AS TOLD BY YOUR FAVORITE *NSYNC SONGS

It's time to analyze the Marlins starting rotation with a gimmicky blogging trick started by someone a long time ago who liked to post YouTube videos. So, without further ado, your 2012 Miami Marlins rotation as told by your favorite *NSYNC songs…

Josh Johnson – "(God Must Have Spent) A Little More Time On You"


It's true, Josh. In all of creation, all things great and small, you are the one that surpasses them all. More precious than any diamond or pearl, if you stay healthy, I'll give you my girl. Wait, that's not the lyric? Also, how cute was Justin Frostedtipsberlake?!?


Mark Buehrle – "Just Got Paid"


Which means that Mark has just enough money for gas this month.


Anibal Sanchez – "Losing My Way"


This song has nothing to do with Anibal, and it's technically not even an *NSYNC song, but it makes me laugh to hear Justin Timberlake sing about being a broke high school drop-out whose life has been destroyed by a crack addiction. Plus, church choir! OH MY GOD THIS SONG IS AWFUL AND I LOVE IT.


Ricky Nolasco – "That's When I'll Stop Loving You"


In the song, JC will only stop loving the anonymous girl when things that could never actually happen begin happening. I'm not that nice. A leadoff walk, a bases loaded double… that's when I'LL stop loving you. (Honorable mention: "I Want You Back", for those nights when you're getting the bad Ricky and all you can think about is the really good Ricky that shows up from time to time.)


Carlos Zambrano – "Trashin' The Camp"


*NSYNC never had a song called "Trashin' The Dugout" (I checked.), but this was the closest thing I could find. Plus, there are no words to this song, only weird noises, which is exactly how I imagine Carlos Zambrano sounds.


BONUS TRACK THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH *NSYNC AND/OR STARTING PITCHERS

Heath Bell – "Ice Cream Paint Job"


Because, I mean, c'mon, MOTHER FUCKIN' DOVE BARS!!!

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

MIAMI MARLINS NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS: 2012

The new year is coming up just around the corner, so it's time to make a list of all the things you say you're going to do before you quit doing them two weeks into January. With that in mind, I thought it'd be fun to get a bunch of the guys together to talk about what they're planning to do differently in the coming year. So, fellas, what are some of your New Year's resolutions for 2012?


My New Year's resolution is to work hard, get back to where I was before the injury and try and be the ace this team needs. You know, with the pitching staff we have and the players we're putt–


Ice cream.


[Nods head.]


I wasn't done ye–


My eh reselooshone es to eh play de shorestop poseeshone better den eh lasss year.


More ice cream.


[Nods head.]


Bang more groupies.


I mean de eh… de turd base poseeshone. Ya. Thas what I toll to say– I mean, what I eh wan to do.


[Smiles.]


Learned my lesson last season, guy. I ain't sayin' nothin' to you 'bout faggots this year.


Gimme a sec. I just have to ask Marissa if I'm allowed to talk to you about this…


Probably tweet less...


She says I can't. Sorry, dude.


Ah, shit, I did it again. Sorry, I didn't mean to use the word "faggot." What I meant to say was "the gays."


Nah, I'm just fucking with ya. I'mma tweet a whole fucking lot more this year. I'll try to be funnier, though.


I eh twee too. I eh gon to try to eh retwee more of tha fan these ye–


Rocky. Effing. Road.


[Nods head.]


There was this one chick. Ohmygod. Yeah, I'm totally gonna nail more hot girls in 2012.


Babe, c'mon! He's just the guy from that websi– What? Of course I wanna sleep in the bedroom tonight. What kind of question is that?


Jaja. Aye Stee, yoo eh poosywhip.


[Tweets] @srShrek31: stop being such a bitch. #newyearsresolutions


Just one girl after another, after another, after another...


[Smiles.]


Maybe some pistachio ice cream. You ever go to a Chinese buffet? Pistachio is always the best one there. Yeah, more pistachio ice cream.


[Nods head.]


Black girls, white girls, Asian girls…


Babe, now the guys are all making fun of me!


[Tweets] @srShrek31: SMH


Steve, you're such a fag.


Puerto Rican girls. They got them big asses. French girls, Russian girls…


Fuck. I did it again, didn't I?


Skinny bitches, fat bitches... My god, I'm gonna nail 'em all!


Can I finish what I was saying already? Geez. So, yeah, with the rotation we've got, I don't see wh–


MOTHER FUCKIN' DOVE BARS!!!


[Nods head.]


[Smiles.]