Monday, February 25, 2013


I don't know who these guys are either, Juan.

Welcome to Strip Club With Stanton, Year III. Last season, we had a lot to look forward to, but in typical Marlins fashion, it all fell apart. Then Jeffrey Loria pulled out his penis, urinated on the entire city of Miami and tried to tell us it was a beautiful work of art. The last 365 days has been, for lack of a better word, ass.

But, fear not, my friends. I'm back. And with your help and support, I'll hopefully have the wherewithal to wake up every day and write funny things about this godforsaken organization.
And, hey, why don't we just start with Jeffrey Loria's open letter to the city of Miami? (His words in bold, my comments directly under.)




It's no secret that last season was not our best -- actually it was one of our worst. 

This is actually the first time since 2003 that Jeffrey Loria isn't lying, which is refreshing, I suppose.

In large part, our performance on the field stunk


and something needed to be done.

I was down for a morale-boosting pizza party, but I suppose trading away the entire team was a close second on my official Things That Needed to be Done list. 

As a result of some bold moves, many grabbed hold of our tough yet necessary decision only to unleash a vicious cycle of negativity.

For real, yo.

I, for one, was expecting a foam party with topless dancers at LIV in celebration of such bold moves. Instead, the ungrateful masses of South Florida were too dumb to understand that trading away almost EVERY SINGLE QUALITY PLAYER for pennies and reinvesting exactly $0 back into the roster was a tough yet necessary decision. Jeffrey Loria makes daring moves and you fans--you silly, silly fans--are too stupid to see how great and wise and bold they are.

Also, Vicious Cycle of Negativity would be a great name for this franchise, should the powers that be ever decide to rebrand again.

As the owner of the ball club, the buck stops with me and I take my share of the blame where it's due.

Well, now, that's commendable--


Oh, never mind.

many of the things being said about us are simply not true.

Except for all of these things being said about you. And that one time I called you a "disingenuous anal wart." That was totally true. 

I've sat by quietly and allowed this to continue. Now it's time for me to respond to our most important constituents, the fans who love the game of baseball.

Oh, this is going to be fun...


Losing is unacceptable to me.

Says the man whose 11 years have produced 904 losses and six seasons with a sub-.500 record. Losing is completely unacceptable...except when it's been largely acceptable. 

It's incumbent upon us to take swift action and make bold moves when there are glaring problems.

"Like boring backstops, for instance. Where everyone else has gaudy advertisements, we have pretty fish. See? Glaring problem: solved!" [Immediately begins painting Jiffy Lube logo on goldfish.] 

The controversial trade we made with the Toronto Blue Jays was approved by Commissioner Bud Selig and has been almost universally celebrated by baseball experts outside of Miami for its value.

"Or at least its potential value. In, like, 2016. If every single one of these prospects pans out, which never ever happens, but we'll see, I guess."

I think that's how Loria was trying to end that sentence, anyway.

We hope, with an open mind, our community can reflect on the fact that we had one of the worst records in baseball.

Oh, goody. Let's all reflect!

Acquiring high-profile players just didn't work, and nearly everyone on our team underperformed as compared to their career numbers.

And, of course, the lesson we've learned from this is that we should totally rely on one-year sample sizes where Jose Reyes's BABIP starts out in the negatives (that may be a bit of an overstatement, but not much) and GIANCARLOCRUZMICHAELSTANTON misses an entire month, and aside from Heath Bell, the guys who underperformed weren't even the high-profile guys you signed in the offseason and--OHMYGOD I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH.

Our plan for the year ahead is to leverage our young talent and create a homegrown roster of long-term players who can win.

I'm not even sure what this means. We plan to win or something. In fact, I'm kinda concerned that this hasn't been the plan all along, but whatever. Long as we're all finally on the same page here. Even though, I'm pretty sure a team could probably accomplish this goal with some big name players on the roster, too, but again, whatever.

In fact, objective experts have credited us with going from the 28th ranked Minor League system in baseball to the 5th best during this period.

Also, experts credited the team with going from Wildcard contender to a potential 100-loss season, which is probably also some kind of feat, so we got that going for us, too, which is nice.

Of the Top 100 Minor Leaguers rated by MLB Network, we have six -- tied for the most of any team in the league.

This is probably the dumbest statement you'll read in this entire letter. Basically, Jeffrey Loria would like you to know that his team has six guys who are awesome at something that isn't Major League Baseball. Maybe--HOPEFULLY--one day they will be, but right now, nope. What he doesn't mention is the amount of top quality Major League talent this team possesses. Because that list ends at GIANCARLOCRUZMICHAELSTANTON. That's it. The rest of the roster is chlamydia.

But, yanno, yay six of the top 100 Minor Leaguers! ANDREW MILLER 4 LYFE!

We'll evaluate this roster and possibly bring in additional talent based on our assessment of what we need.

Juan Pierre, for instance!

The very same naysayers who are currently skeptical once attacked us for bringing Pudge Rodriguez to the Marlins in 2003. More than any other, that move contributed to our World Series Championship.

"You see, you can never criticize our ineptitude because this one time we made this one move that totally worked out and now we're good forever, suck it haters, this logic is foolproof."


The ballpark issue has been repeatedly reported incorrectly and there are some very negative accusations being thrown around. It ain't true, folks.

Oh, well why didn't you say so in the first place? Guys, pack it up and go home. It ain't true. 

Those who have attacked us are entitled to their own opinions, but not their own facts. The majority of public funding came from hotel taxes, the burden of which is incurred by tourists who are visiting our city, NOT the resident taxpayers.

Something something something this.

The Marlins organization also agreed to contribute $161.2 million toward the ballpark, plus the cost of the garage complex. In addition, the Marlins receive no operating subsidy from local government funding. The ballpark required that all debt service is paid by existing revenue.

Something something this and this.

Furthermore, many are attacking the County's method of financing for its contribution, but the Marlins had nothing at all to do with that.

"And if you find out we're lying through our teeth, blame your politicians, dawg." 

The fact is, with your help, we built Marlins Park, a crown jewel in our beautiful Miami skyline, which has won over twenty design and architecture awards

These prestigious awards, to be exact.  [Shoots self.]

and will help make us a premiere ball club moving forward.

Not helping make this a premiere ball club?

Yeah, that.


The simple fact is that we don't have unlimited funds, nor does any baseball team or business.

Oh, cool, patronization. How cute.

Fans didn't turn out last season as much as we'd like, even with the high-profile players the columnists decry us having traded.

Fans didn't not show up because they weren't excited about the high-profile players. Fans didn't show up because those high-profile players were playing for a team 10-games under .500 for much of the season. In fact, if the team had been any better than dreadful for even part of the year, the organization probably would have reached its attendance goal. (Shitstorm considered, they only fell about 500,000 short.)

The main ingredient to a successful ball club is putting together a winning team,

Also, thyme. Lots and lots of thyme.

including a necessary core of young talent.

"And boy, oh boy, do we have young talent. We've got young talent coming out the wazoo. And you'll get to see them in, like, six or seven years."

Are we fiscally capable and responsible enough to fill the roster with talented players, invest in the daily demands of running a world-class organization and bring a World Series back to Miami?

[Pulls up Baseball-Reference.]
[Checks the last decade.]


Right! "Absolutely!" That was definitely the word that came to mind. 

Is it sound business sense to witness an expensive roster with a terrible record and sit idly by doing nothing?

Well, I mean, I guess that depends on a number of other factors and variables that need to be considered in order to-- 



I can and will invest in building a winner, but last season wasn't sustainable and we needed to start from scratch quickly to build this team from the ground up.

And when this plan doesn't work, we can start from scratch again. With a new plan. Plans on plans on plans, homey!


An organization is only as good as its connection with the community. We know we can do a better job communicating with our fans. That starts now.

Um, I don't think communication has been the problem for most fans. It's that whole lying and swindling taxpayers thing. 

From this point forward we can ensure fans and the entire community that we will keep you abreast of our plan, rationale and motivations.

Future press releases will all begin with "PREPARE YOUR ANUS..."

Amidst the current news coverage, it can be easy to forget how far we went together not so long ago.

Third base, but I forgot a condom, so you made me use a cucumber. I remember it vividly. 

In 2003, I helped bring a second World Series Title to South Florida.

"And by 'helped,' I mean that I took a bunch of players that were already here, rode their asses to a World Series, then promptly got them the fuck outta here."

We know how to build a winning team, and have every intention of doing so again.

This is the point where I will once again remind you that this team has five winning seasons in the last 11 years. 

I know you share my passion for great Marlins baseball

But luckily not your passion for unbelievably hideous artwork.

my love of Miami

"...and its taxpayers."

and my desire to win again.

"On the field this time. Because my bank accounts been winning for-fucking-ever, bro. Up high!" 

We're in this together

Of course we are. [Weeps uncontrollably.] 

and I humbly ask that we start fresh,

Fuck yourself. 

watch us mature quickly as a ball club,

Die in a fire.

and root for the home team in 2013.

Get fucked with a rusty machete. 

Jeffrey Loria

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